Direction

Direction.
Just something Tarrant said the other day when we met up to get our SPM cert.


( Gosh all the teachers seem to have this similar train of thought; if 2 ex students of different gender come back to school together..they must be together ! As in a couple, girlfriend/boyfriend, special relationship, etc )


Cornily old fashioned la...passe sudah..times have changed and platonic relationships are very 'in' now, what with our 30-something-single-and -happily -so -career women and xxx times divorced men who're -too- scared -to -pursue -another -steady, -long -term -committed relationship again.


Direction. He says I'm lacking direction in my blog, the usual rantings and ravings and ( this is a complaint from everyone except my dance friends ) too many dance posts. Well, lately I haven't been posting up anything. I just didn't make time for my blog, and when I had any free time, all I wanted to do was to watch TV and talk to my mom or dream about dance and read my increasing collection of magazines.


I think I'm lacking direction in my life at this point of time.
The important things I procrastinate, like cleaning up my room, sewing new shoes, packing stuff, doing health checkups,...The not so important things but things I find more important, like practising dance ( which somehow these days, is starting to become more of a chore than a joy ) , reading, meeting up with friends, cardio-ing ( I've really become addicted to the treadmill machine ! I need to work myself on it for at least 30mins every day ! Keeps me from going insane.. Walking off the anger, boredom, and stress is so incredibily theraputic. And I tell you, runner's high is NOT a myth ! It has been scientifically proven !


But I still feel unfulfilled. I feel a sense of emptyness. This queer situation I'm in is so different from the life of busyness and hectic madness I'm used to. I'm not used to being COMPLACENT. I WANT TO BE A BUSY WORKING BEE !!!
I'm bored with my life right now. I want something more rigid, demanding, something with a sense of urgency.


Oh gosh, I want direction.


Blinded by the temporary joy meaningless activities give, i've been led away from God. But I had a very long talk with Benjamin about God yesterday, it was very enlightening. Never cease to pray...annointing..the Trinity, Father, Spirit, Son......


He made me realise that I've reached a sort of plateau in my spiritual walk with God too. I know, it's crazy, my up and downtimes with God.
Somehow, I don't talk to Him in the same way anymore. I'm so tired. I don't want to struggle with this strange weariness alone. This tidak-apa attitude that I'm just so..not used to. I'm not me. This is an alien Stephanie. It's as if I'm not in control of myself anymore, because I don't care anymore. My brain is mixed with realization of what's right and an indifference towards what's wrong.
I feel so freaking weird sometimes when I do some of the things I do; a great example would be food. Haha, imagine a Toxic Tuesday everyone...
But in my new New King James version of the Bible ( Courtesy of generous Benjamin ! ), Psalm 69 gives me hope. The 5th verse already says, O God, You know my foolishness.


God knows what I've been up to. And only He has the capasity and the capability to forgive the sins that I've done. The Lord knows how much I've sinned. Sin keeps you apart from God. The more you sin, the further you go away from God.


If I could be like Hiro ( of Heroes' fame, that s'upid tv show ), I'd reverse time and erase all the stupid things I've done.


But I can't. And the only thing I can do now is to pray for forgiveness, direction, and verses 16 in Psalm 69 : Hear me, O Lord, for Your lovingkindness is good, Turn to me according to the multitude of Your tender mercies.


Geez..as extremely emotional as this sounds…I've almost forgotten how right the words of the Bible sound. And how they never cease to amaze me with their appropriate-ness of context, time,place, and need. I've almost forgotten, how good God is, and how wide His unfailing love.

My Saviour..
My Lord..
My God..
and My Father.

Testing the words, 1,2,3…

Wow, rereading this made me realise what a long droning post this is...


BTW
Has anyone heard of the Save Sufiah programme ?
It's bloody stupid how Malaysians think of themselves ( great big egos we have lol, I mean, generally as a population ) as SAVIOURS. Hello, just because her mom's Malaysian and from Muar but so what ? She's a British national, she has got nothing to do with us - she was never educated in Malaysia, spent her life abroad, - Why do we have to offer our help to her ?
She clearly doesn't need it, she's got a good head on her shoulders in my opinion, and she's smart enough to find her own way. She knows what she needs to do, just give her some space la, there's no need to condemn and gasp and go ' oh poor thing ' when there're millions of kids out there in OUR COUNTRY who deserve our help and attention far more than she does.
Save Sufiah..tolong la.......................Dia boleh........

Escapsim of Guilt For God's Love

"I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself." (Jeremiah 31:3)

"See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands." (Isaiah 49:16)

God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)

God, You so totally rock. I really really should read my Bible more...I mean, I said on national TV that it was my favourite book of all time and it's listed in every one of ( the very few ) interviews I give ( forced to give, actually )

Why am I so bad with this whole prayer thing >>>>

I'm guilt ridden for not spending enough time with You...just turn me into a nun...

Actually, becoming a nun wouldn't be such a bad idea.

ESCAPISM.

The Author of The Beginning and The End

A New Year signifies a new beginning, a chance to change ourselves for better and tackle the challenges ahead of us with even more aplomb and flourish ! For the aspiring dancer in me, it means a new year with new goals to achieve - double pirrouttes on pointe, perfect grande jete en tournant, consistency in class, and artistry in performance.

But the Christian side of me has her spiritual goals too, I can't leave them out, I've TRIED, believe me, I'm so guilty of chucking God aside and manipulating His Generosity when the hour calls for it.

THE BIGGEST AND PROBABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON I"VE LEARNT FROM EXPERIENCE : it's really impossible for me to be an atheist or leave God out of the picture and only rely on Him to drive me out of trouble only when and where I need Him. It just doesn't work that way;

I was brought up ( by my church in a space of 2 years, I wasn't a Christian from birth ) to believe that we all have a special relationship with God, our Heavenly Father, and like every other relationship, it needs to be carefully built and constantly maintained, just like your relationship with your dad, mom, sis, bro, boyfriend/girlfriend, best friend, etc.

DECISION : Keep a prayer/happiness journal - Come on la, everytime you pray, you 'descargo', release, all your burdens and worries unto God and lay them in His Hands. Though the trouble might stil be there ( or NOT, you never know, after all, never underestimate the power of prayer, seriously 10 words to God can save you 10hours of worry, I can testify ) , you'll feel a sense of relief, calm, peace, and happiness. This queer sort of feeling..I'm not quite sure how to describe it but it's like a wash of cold water that just jerks you out of your anxiety and invigorates you to look at life again more positively. At times, the solutions will seem to just sparkle, so obviously, in that river of calm, and it'll be just impossible for you to miss. Sometimes the answers may not be that easy or simple, and it might take you ages to dig out the 'diamond' answer, however, slowly and surely, the Big Guy up there'd make a loop hole for ya all His Precious Kids !!!

VERSES FOR TODAY :

Romans 5 : 1-8

Verses 6-8 particularly stand out...

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die.

But God demonstrates His own Love for us in this; While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

God, dear God, You really shouldn't have...You're like this gracious host who does everything and anything she can to make her guests feel loved, warmed, and welcomed in her home. You don't owe us anything, OUR debt to You is bigger than the expanse of the universe. You really tak payah do this la, somemore want to die..Gilar la...

No other religion has God like you..no wonder la they rather go for other religion wei..not half as scary as You..too much love can scare people off k..just look at some boy/girl relationships today - sometimes when you love someone too much, you scare them away, they don't dare go near you coz they feel suffocated by your love... -

Oh yea ho..true true..so that's why You leave us alone in the dark sometimes...to make us remember not to take You for granted and in order not to scare us away and indirectly test our love for You. Ai ya, why so mah-fan one you...somemore want to die for us just so that we can go up and live with You ... for what..should just let us die and rot in hell and You retire nice nice up there with golf club and tennis racquets....We go up there will only disturb and mah-fan you...

But thank you ar...For helping and loving us so much...we really no deserve so good...

You broke my heart once, twice, and now the for third time, you AGAIN shatter the fragile thing I took months to plaster painfully togehter.

WHAT'S YOUR FRIGGING PROBLEM ?


' Why do all good things come to an end ? Flames to dust, lovers to friends '. - All Good Things, Nelly Furtado's.
' Goodbye to you, goodbye to everything I knew, you were the one I love, the one thing that I tried to hold to ' - Goodbye To You, by Michelle Branch


I need silence. I have to stop the music, I can't hear my voice in all this noise. Their lyrics are theirs and they don't quite mirror my own feelings. I can't seem to find a song that plays the same strings that are pulling my heart apart.

Damn it, I want a song that sings everything I feel exactly, every precise tug and slice, and every exact hurt that's acting on my insides now. Damn it damn it damn it, I can't find the words to say exactly how I feel.

How do I describe the numb, dead, pulse of my heart when we parted ways ?

How do I describe my awkwardness to bid farewell and best wishes and explain that miserable attempt at saying goodbye ? Or the mortification I felt after replaying and replaying those hours we spent together ? And my fervent wish to erase everything and go back in time and redo the string of events that had just occured ? And my regret at my actions and their intentions ?

' It's really good to hear your voice, saying my name, it sounds so sweet, coming from the lips of an angel, it makes me weak....I guessed we never really moved on '
- Lips of An Angel, Hinder's.

I felt so so so numb. Your reluctancy to even look at me and your obvious repulse at my touch made me feel so small, stupid, and naive. I was stupid to have ever fallen for you.

But yet at the same time, your voice makes me flush with a childish redness, your gradual maturity gives me buds of hope, and your acknowledgement of my existence frankly...makes my pride soar with joy. Your happiness - it can be said as one of my highest priorities and your well being my constant concern.

These few moments we spent together I'd cherish forever. I hope we'll never ever meet again. Because I've never fully gotten over you, pathetic I know, but I think you'll understand ; when someone has claimed your heart, stolen your love, and challenged your soul ( and sanity perhaps ), you would always always long for him.



Blah, time ain't that great a doctor, it hasn't got sturdy bandages to wrap around my wounds or soothing salves/ointment to distract the pain of rejection and losing someone you love.

I need God to fill this emptiness and vast space you have dug once again in my heart. Take your spade somewhere else. Where there's more fertile and compatile soil and plants that'd bear the fruit you desire.



Don't come near me. Ever again. I won't allow it. I won't allow myself to be broken again. I know it's rather premature for me to say this right now, but at this point of time ( I might and hopefully will regret saying this in the future ), I find it impossible for me to fall in love ever again.

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
- Blind, by Lifehouse.


Father in Heaven, I seek Your Forgiveness and ask for Your Patience and Healing, please fill my soul again with Your love, and help me to mend this broken blood pump of mine.


Many will scoff at me for saying this, our priorities differ, I respect yours completely so give me the same respect won't you ?

My priorities lie with my God. Not with my boy. At least not for the time being.
Besides, God's so much more reliable.And He's not a heart breaker.

The Thoughtless Things I Do Sometimes

Today I saw this really really old lady - all stooped over, with a horrible hunchback, and she was carrying a huge plastic bag and climbing up the stairs to the LRT at Taman Jaya, PJ. For those who've been there, those stairs are pretty steep. And she must have been ancient. I mean..gosh, even I get breathless sometimes climbing that tower of torture, the authorities really really should install a lift / elevator for us poor unfit mortals.

She was going up, albeit slowly but surely, one stone step at a time,wobbly and all huffy.

And you know what I did ?

Stephanie Lee just climbed down the stairs, without even giving her a second glance.

It wasn't until she paused at the staircase for a moment to wipe salty sweat off her face, only did I notice her.

And I didn't help. I just stood there and ..gawked ? I didn't go up and offer to carry her bag to wherever she was going, or smiled, or said ' auntie ' and give polite sympathy ( which is what someone said I should have done, instead of just staring at her like us Malaysians are so apt at doing )

I'm such a thoughtless and selfish bitch.

And today, for the first time, I noticed all the litter along the road which I walk on to and fro everyday. How come I've never bothered to pick them up ?

I've also sent a very curt message to a friend, when all he did was ask me how was my day. And it turns out he had a terrible day at work. AND YET, he knew I was having my driving lesson today and was considerate enough to remember my struggles with the wheel.

( We used to be tuition mates in Form 3,a really short spell because I can't take the pressure of mass tuition classes. He'd give me yellow post-it notes with smiley faces whenever I got screamed at by the teacher, and once, he left a choc bar for me when I told him I had a dance exam and couldn't attend class.)

And sorry, WM, for being a bit rude when you asked me about my dinner plans tomorrow.

DAMN ME.
You know what, I actually have a bit more sympathy for our health minister now, Dr Chua...I know what he did was just plain wrong from every possible angle and as a politician,leader,and government servant, he has to maintain higher moral standards.

But he made a bad decision to do what he did, he lost control of his moral judgement - perhaps for the first time? we don't know - . I think it was a thoughtless, maybe impulsive act of lust and loneliness. I personally cannot comprehend how his wife can stand by him and forgive him for that, but I know someone who has forgiven her husband many many times for his affairs with other women.

And I know a person whose capability to forgive is simply, unbelievably, astounding; My Saviour, the Prince of Peace [ ' Forever and ever ', that song from the CIF musical is STILL stuck in my head...geezers... ]

Father in Heaven, hallowed be thy name...Forgive our sins,and help us forgive those who sin against us, lead us not to temptation and protect us from evil. AMEN

WISDOM

Blogging is Addictive. Should have come with warnings. But to my credit, I only started a blog after I've completed my formal studies in both academia and dance. So I'm allowed to blog because technically, I've no 'real' commitments to exams and grades and yadaa yadaa..got quite some time on my hands..

Plus I love to write anyway..ask those people who used to be in my BK class and Eng Lit class.I wrote 12 pages for my SPM eng lit and bout 10 pages for my SPM BK exams.

Bloggin is my new writing outlet now. Until I get to Uni and have tons of writing assignments to do, I will use this blog to write, write, and write !!!

So actually, blogging's not that addictive. I was just deprived of an writing outlet for too long. I mean, yakking on the phone with my pals hasn't got quite the same effect. Descargo should be a way of life ! Well, maybe it is, just that the super stressed me never knew it before.

" Life is the road I wanna keep going, Love is the river I wanna keep flowing "
Some song by The Clientele I was just listening to earlier.

A HUGE THANK YOU whoever who reads and comments - LEXA

But my biggest gratitude is for God. Who sparked the idea into my head in the first place.