Direction

Direction.
Just something Tarrant said the other day when we met up to get our SPM cert.


( Gosh all the teachers seem to have this similar train of thought; if 2 ex students of different gender come back to school together..they must be together ! As in a couple, girlfriend/boyfriend, special relationship, etc )


Cornily old fashioned la...passe sudah..times have changed and platonic relationships are very 'in' now, what with our 30-something-single-and -happily -so -career women and xxx times divorced men who're -too- scared -to -pursue -another -steady, -long -term -committed relationship again.


Direction. He says I'm lacking direction in my blog, the usual rantings and ravings and ( this is a complaint from everyone except my dance friends ) too many dance posts. Well, lately I haven't been posting up anything. I just didn't make time for my blog, and when I had any free time, all I wanted to do was to watch TV and talk to my mom or dream about dance and read my increasing collection of magazines.


I think I'm lacking direction in my life at this point of time.
The important things I procrastinate, like cleaning up my room, sewing new shoes, packing stuff, doing health checkups,...The not so important things but things I find more important, like practising dance ( which somehow these days, is starting to become more of a chore than a joy ) , reading, meeting up with friends, cardio-ing ( I've really become addicted to the treadmill machine ! I need to work myself on it for at least 30mins every day ! Keeps me from going insane.. Walking off the anger, boredom, and stress is so incredibily theraputic. And I tell you, runner's high is NOT a myth ! It has been scientifically proven !


But I still feel unfulfilled. I feel a sense of emptyness. This queer situation I'm in is so different from the life of busyness and hectic madness I'm used to. I'm not used to being COMPLACENT. I WANT TO BE A BUSY WORKING BEE !!!
I'm bored with my life right now. I want something more rigid, demanding, something with a sense of urgency.


Oh gosh, I want direction.


Blinded by the temporary joy meaningless activities give, i've been led away from God. But I had a very long talk with Benjamin about God yesterday, it was very enlightening. Never cease to pray...annointing..the Trinity, Father, Spirit, Son......


He made me realise that I've reached a sort of plateau in my spiritual walk with God too. I know, it's crazy, my up and downtimes with God.
Somehow, I don't talk to Him in the same way anymore. I'm so tired. I don't want to struggle with this strange weariness alone. This tidak-apa attitude that I'm just so..not used to. I'm not me. This is an alien Stephanie. It's as if I'm not in control of myself anymore, because I don't care anymore. My brain is mixed with realization of what's right and an indifference towards what's wrong.
I feel so freaking weird sometimes when I do some of the things I do; a great example would be food. Haha, imagine a Toxic Tuesday everyone...
But in my new New King James version of the Bible ( Courtesy of generous Benjamin ! ), Psalm 69 gives me hope. The 5th verse already says, O God, You know my foolishness.


God knows what I've been up to. And only He has the capasity and the capability to forgive the sins that I've done. The Lord knows how much I've sinned. Sin keeps you apart from God. The more you sin, the further you go away from God.


If I could be like Hiro ( of Heroes' fame, that s'upid tv show ), I'd reverse time and erase all the stupid things I've done.


But I can't. And the only thing I can do now is to pray for forgiveness, direction, and verses 16 in Psalm 69 : Hear me, O Lord, for Your lovingkindness is good, Turn to me according to the multitude of Your tender mercies.


Geez..as extremely emotional as this sounds…I've almost forgotten how right the words of the Bible sound. And how they never cease to amaze me with their appropriate-ness of context, time,place, and need. I've almost forgotten, how good God is, and how wide His unfailing love.

My Saviour..
My Lord..
My God..
and My Father.

Testing the words, 1,2,3…

Wow, rereading this made me realise what a long droning post this is...


BTW
Has anyone heard of the Save Sufiah programme ?
It's bloody stupid how Malaysians think of themselves ( great big egos we have lol, I mean, generally as a population ) as SAVIOURS. Hello, just because her mom's Malaysian and from Muar but so what ? She's a British national, she has got nothing to do with us - she was never educated in Malaysia, spent her life abroad, - Why do we have to offer our help to her ?
She clearly doesn't need it, she's got a good head on her shoulders in my opinion, and she's smart enough to find her own way. She knows what she needs to do, just give her some space la, there's no need to condemn and gasp and go ' oh poor thing ' when there're millions of kids out there in OUR COUNTRY who deserve our help and attention far more than she does.
Save Sufiah..tolong la.......................Dia boleh........