Some people asked me why didn't I blog about the election ? Hello, I was way too busy keeping track of it and discussing it and staying on top of all the juicy gossip and reading all those so called poisonous emails to be blogging bout it ! =)
Pre Election
Nervous anticipation
During Election
Glee, laughter, and ridicule
Post Election
Irritation. Like, GET ON WITH THE PROGRAMME LA!
Sore losers...having all these protests, and backstabbing, and spreading rumors, and refusing to acknowledge so and so, and lashing of tongues...ain't gonna help la.
Get on with the programme.
I'm really sick of politics now, some of you know I also blog at H.L's for socio-political issues/comments, because mine is a strictly personal life/dance blog and I don't want anything overly dirty/sick/disgusting in it, thanks very much.
Another reason is this; dancers go to my blog to read about dance, socially/politically conscious people go to H.L's to read ( or laugh ) about the state of our country's socio-political affairs.
Different blogs cater for different things, why be a Jack of all trades and Master of none ? Bazir masa aja...Setiap benda ada tempatnya dan setiap perkara ada sebabnya.. ;) my BM still sounds decent !
Seriously, don't complain if you find my blog too saturated with dance/complains/happy-fyingly lame stuff/Stephy deluxe style crap. It's mine ! That's why you come here to read it right ? You come here to read about me. And what I like/dislike/love/heart/crap/emo-ing about. Don't sigh if you see another dance post, just skip it ! The power of the scroller is in your hands.
By the way, I'm emo-ing now..I'm sick, with a whooping, hacking cough, my voice sounds 'sickly sexy', according to Tracy. I have to agree with here though, I think I can pass for one of those ..em..girls who can do phone sex with their deeply stimulating porno voice.
' ...Made me feel something somewhere, where, no other women has ever been able to make me feel before...' - Marc, Ugly Betty
And my SPM CERT !!!! ....
Better run now, got stuff to do. Love you all, despite the cold stares and shaking of heads you give me when you see another of my dance posts.........Thanks for loving me as I am ! I love you too !!!
Love may be an over rated word these days, but as Michael Jackson once said, " I'm a lover, not a fighter " ( The Girl is Mine, sung by MJ and Paul McCatfree, sorry McCartney )
Saturday, March 22, 2008
You wanna know what's on my mind ????
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Look what Google came up with on me.....
http://wms.edu.my/spm.html
Wesley...you make me wanna cry.....
http://wms.edu.my/scholar.html
K after viewing my testimonial..I tersangat ingin balik...to Form 5...to have my school life back. I'd cherish it a lot more and do more outrageous things that I missed on doing. But I don't regret the choices I made on how to spend my time and who I chose to spend it with, I really don't regret skipping out on shopping and movie trips and going for dance/music classes,volunteer work ( although it was agony deciding!) and study stuff instead. I just regret ffk-ing my friends. Sometimes I wonder, if I hadn't spent so much time studying..would I have been a better dancer now ? Would I have been a better friend if I went out every weekend with my gfs on shopping trips and other girlie past times ? Would I have been a better person if I onlined more,watched TV & MTV like normal kids do, and did parties and hung out and got to know other people from the socialsphere, instead of spending time traveling between school and all those extra things and sleeping from sheer exhaustion?
Man, I'm bad at time management la.
Or maybe, I just doubt myself and my capabilities.
KIASU REGRET VS REALISM
21st March - 15th July.
How many days are there left for me to enjoy Malaysia ?
There're so many things I've yet to do !!! And so many things I'm procrastinating !!!
The pile of 'kiasu regret' is getting higher and higher and higher and higher.
There're some things that I want to do because I'm 'kiasu', the infamous Malaysian/Singaporean - scared- of -losing- syndrome. I just want to do them so..I've done them, accomplished those things that teenagers do ! For instance, I want to
- check out KL's clubbing scene since I'm FINALLY 18, PARTY ! PARTY! PARTY! Hang out with all my cool mates...;)
- take blogging really seriously and make a really gorgeous blog with loads of gorgeous pictures & photos & write tons of interesting articles,
- go to all the music/local gigs/MPOs/concerts/conventions/performing arts events
- visit all the art exhibitions and watch language/art films,
- do something really meaningful for charity,
- date and fall in love,
- eat all the famous Malaysian street foods ! In small,moderate portions of course..but there're so many many many places that I want to go and eat....I've got a whole book on 'em... Wanna eat roti bom, roti canai, mee kahwin, char kuey teow, rojak, cendol - I'VE NEVER HAD A PLATE OF ALL THESE DISHES TO MYSELF IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, I'm one sad Malaysian eh ?
- meet up with EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY FRIENDS before I leave ! Mamak and yum cha and shop and check out all those places that I've always wanted to go to !
But when I look at this list.. some of them are just so unrealistic and..not me.
The realistic things I have to do;
1) Fall in love. With Jesus Christ Superstar again.
2) Clean my room, get it ready for my sis. Get ready for uni - all that official paperwork which I'm so dreading...wtheck I should be packing up my stuff for uni already....But I am clearing up my stuff..gradually...Does anyone want my dance mags ? Maybe I should just donate my dance collection to TDS.
3) *** haha, this is extremely personal **** sew my soft ballet shoes and tights - Major procrastination of 2008
4)DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE WITH MY SPARE TIME APART FROM DANCE AND WORK. - SOMETHING THAT CAN PRODUCE VISIBLE RESULTS.
5) Practise PhotoReading. Omgosh, I still have almost 14 books ( NEW ) that I haven't touched !
6) Write letters.
7) Get me triple turns and split jumps and 'dancer's maturity' and technique UP TO STANDARD. And quit obsessing about class outside of class.
8) Spend time with the people who really matter to me; my family and my very small social circle of Besties.
9)Take a personal risk for charity. Haha, I can't really explain it here, ask me if you really want to know !!! ;)
10) Write essays, brush up my Math & English & comp skills, travel, go for Christian Education classes, participate in arts and music festivals,
11) GET RID OF EYE BAGS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and P.E.C ! and D.B.C !!!
Kiasu regret list and Kinda More Realistic Me List.
Let's just combine both la...can we ? In a space of 4 months ?
TIME TIME TIME TIME TIME TIME TIME
MANAGEMENT.
HELP..GIVE MY STRENGTH.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Ok la ok la...
Okay okay, I have to write down everything here, if not, these wonderful memories, along with its ancestors before this, will fade away and become but a distant, hazy, fussy, infomercial.
I shall split them into topics, for the benefit of friendly reading !
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Blogging Dilemmas
There comes a time where blogging seems so hard...
It means that I've too much to tell, and share, and cry about, and laugh about..
WOO HOO !!!
If my heart is the seat of all emotions, then it would be bursting at its seams now..BECAUSE I"VE SO MUCH TO SAY, TO DO, TO FEEL...
Oh gosh...........
I hate being in love........
And I love being in love............
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Random
" I broke up with you because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you "
- Rachel ( Jennifer Aniston ) from Friends.
I want to watch these movies so badly.. - La Vie En Rose and Atonement.\
I need to work on personal development.
I did a double pirroutte on pointe this week.
I feel " very the random ".
Which means I'm starting to crush on someone again...
Friday, February 8, 2008
Shouldn't expect Fireworks on your first week.
The alcoholic chocs I received for my birthday.. ;)
I can't remember what I wanted to blog about, because every day, I wanted to blog about a different thing. So I'm gonna summerise my week to refresh my memory ;)
This list is to simplify life for meself yea ? I need to remind myself constantly, people say I'm very forgetful. But that's no excuse. It's all in the mind. My brain is capable of remembering an entire textbook in 10 minutes, I just have to utilize my brain power to the fullest, cannot let the gray cells be lazy..
SUMMARY OF MY WEEK - WHAT DID I DO ? WHAT WAS I DOING ? ( two questions you never want to ask after a dance performance or a one night stand )
Sunday, 3th Feb
- Lunched with Jenn, Jo, and the nameless bf.
- Practised dance
- Experienced Self Realization about how selfish I've been
Monday, 4th Feb
- Missed PDC ballet because I had to nurse my sick sister. From suspicions of a food allergy... to German meascles...to a viral/bacterial infection... Poor thing, luckily she recovered on the eve of CNY.
- Taught classes
- Participated most willingly in a Choc fest. Naughty D.I.S people...Fed me a whole packet of white hazelnut chocs and another box of dark choc with truffle filling laced with hazelnuts and almonds...Oh the sinful calories..But it was wonderful no doubt.
Tuesday, 5th Feb
- Went for Pilates class
- Did some very last minute shopping for CNY ** BLOGGER ALERT ! ***
- Went back home early after work due to exhaustion.
Wednesday, 6th Feb
- Work...CNY eve doesn't mean anything really. After all, what better way to leave the Year of
the ___ than to be productive ?
- Ballet class with Ms Adeline
- Went back to the gym to prac Jazz. It felt great. Jumps were soaring. Every inch of space was
mine. The joy of having a whole floor to yourself. Dance like no one's watching. I love jumps.
NOTHING tones your muscles faster than grand jetes.
- CNY eve dinner..sigh... ** Yea, I saw something that night that I simply need to blog about too * **
Thursday, 7th Feb
CHINESE NEW YEAR !!!
I did some paperwork, watched lots of TV , whiled my time away like the rest of you, dined at Sek Yuen...AHA, remembered some stuff I should blog about TOO ! ~ grins like a manja babe ~
Had an incredibile conversation. About Politics. About AMERICAN POLITICS. for a grand total of 3 hours. Which even continued to the next day. Shoot, I think my support for Obama has sort of wavered since I found out about his non-existant stand on the Afgan War. BUT I still refuse to support the Republicans or Clinton. Especially Clinton - freaking no way, woman, female, XX cromosomed or not. blarr....
Friday, 8th Feb - Today
YAY I jogged for a grand total of 1.5 hours ! But I did not practise dance - adoi...................................................................OH DON"T ASK ME WHY. Something really stupid happened and made me lose my appetite to 'taste' pirrouttes today.
Then lunched with Daddykins...Then Bad Daddy ffked me. So much for the father-daughter bonding time.
Momster and Sisom already left for Bangsar. Without me.
Actually, it's my fault. Maybe I shouldn't have ditched them in the morning for the gym.
So what's me supposed to do ? Simple. Go upgrade my knowledge of personal finance in Kino and indulge in some reading pleasure and retail therapy.
BUT IT'S JUST SO SAD WALKING AROUND IN KLCC ALONE.
WATCHING
THE INDONESIANS CHATTER HAPPILY ON THEIR DAY OFF,
THE GRANDPARENTS LAUGH AT THE JOY OF THE RED-CLAD CHILDREN WHEN THEY DISCOVER WHAT THEIR ANGPOWS CAN BUY,
THE KAMPUNG PEOPLE WAH AND WOW AT THE WONDER OF PETROSAINS, THE EXPATS COMPLAIN/COMPLIMENT ABOUT THE SERVICE GIVEN,
THE JAPANESE TOURISTS SNAPPING COUNTLESS PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES, HOPING TO GET AT LEAST ONE VERY KAWAII ONE TO SHOW THEIR FRIENDS,
THE COUPLES WINKING AND SMILING TOGETHER, CLASPING HANDS, WEARING MATCHING COLOURED CLOTHES, PRETEND QUARRELING OVER THE BILL.
The last one really set me on 'foh ' / fire. And what with the incident that just happened before lunch. All sadness snowballed in.
Guess what I did next ?
A ) Went to my favourite restaurant and ordered a Sangria and chatted up a table of strangers, becoming more cheered up considerably.
B ) Went to the nearest cafe and ordered myself two cupcakes, but found it too awkward to eat with so many clumps of people around ( including my ex make up artist, she would have been livid to see me without mascara and eyeliner ) so forced myself to eat half of each, make a pretend phone call and make a quick, relieved, getaway.
C) Went to a real swanky restaurant and made reservations for two for Valentine's Day.
D) Went to Starbucks and ordered my usual order ( despite the absence of my favourite barista ) and sat down to read my new purchases.
E) Called my bestie and cried in front of everyone. Then went to watch Kungfu Hustle, which made me cry even harder.
F) Called the Bad Dada and whined and begged to be chauffered home, complained all the way about his miserable attempt of allowance money, and got him to promise me a new credit card, with HIGHER limits...
If you wanna try guessing, leave a message at my chatbox. Thank you.
The summary of my first week of being 18.
Notice one very very glaring fact.
There's no drink involved.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
How To Save a Life.
Where did I go wrong, I've lost a friend,
...
Had I known how to save a life.
- How To Save A Life, by the Fray.
This was the song I rewinded again and again to facilitate my salty tears.
I've just read your blog. If only you knew, when you grieve, I grieve too. I may seem two dimentional at times, but I really do care about you. I'm sorry if my intellect can't catch up with yours, I'm sorry if my comprehension skills cannot make sense of your pain and weariness, I'm sorry for not being able to be there for you, for being so helpless in your hour of need.
I really do care about you too, S.L.M, but sometimes, 24 hours just aren't enough to do all the things I want to do.
Numb grief took over my appetite when I heard what happened and how much you needed me at that point of time, and how terribly I've failed you. Is it true ? That I care more about the outsiders than you guys ? Am I really all that externally dressed but internally empty and substanceless ?
2nd Day of Being 18. It's tough. I'm not loving it.
I'm glad I didn't go to the Switchfoot concert. I'm so glad I didn't.
Goodbye Kiddo
I've only been 18 for a day and already I feel so weary. What happened to the elatedness of youth ? The exhiliration of turning 18 ? Pah, rubbish I tell you. The last hours of my 17 years were frankly some of the happiest I've experienced so far. And I tell you, I've experienced my fair share of pain, agony, discrimination, heartache, humiliation, stress, and fear, so I have every right in making comparisons.
But thanks so much, everyone who came and got me prezzies ! It was such a last minute thing, I'm frankly shocked you guys managed to come...Did you know they ran out of food ? Was it that good ? I wouldn't know, I was running up and down, hugging ( if before,I told everyone that dancing's the best exercise in the world, I now declare hugging the best calorie burner activity ever ! ) all my friends who came. I know some of you couldn't make it, and seriously, it's okay.
Perhaps Fate decided the attendees in advance. And I know, ramai yang kena buat performance, kerja, ajar, tak dapat cari transport, pergi cuti dah, and etc. Don't feel a pang of guilt, I rather you use that energy to plan our next meeting or think of a great bday prezzie for me ;) !
The evening went on pretty well, from what I hear from my party planner ( LOL !!! ). Games were awesome, according to various sources - you guys sure enjoy watching someone else get humiliated on the floor ! sadistic sa kais you -, but the highlight of the evening was definitely Khai Hoong and Jon Fam's singing rendition of my birthday poem, composed by the former ;)
Gosh, I can't believe I've only known you guys for 2 months..And I thought I'm the writer ? BLAH...No wonder you two were grinning in that overly gay,conspiring way...( please, Kelly, gay here means happy k, not the other one k )
Here's the poem for those of you who missed their song and for those of you who didn't..
Admire.
Now my friends we gather here,
Just before Chinese New Year,
Oh what a thrill,
We're in Bukit Jalil,
For Stephanie's party,
She is just eighteen years old,
With a scholarship thanks to Astro,
Fresh out of school,
But she's nobody's fool,
And bound for Colorado,
She's so tall I asked her why, ( Khai Hoong, you're treading on DANGEROUS GROUND here )
That's because she's a quarter Thai,
While growing up,
Saying 'sawadeekap',
That's just not Stephanie, ( yea lar, I know I'm short lar..you two tall handsome dudes laugh at my 5''6 height la )
We all know she loves to dance,
That the door at every chance,
From a ronde
To a develope,
And jump and slide and sway,
When she surfs the internet,
She likes to talk,
And she's proud of her blog, ( YES YES I AM !!! I cringed and laughed when they sang this part...)
It's called ADAGIO,
Just before we end this rhyme,
( I'm going into Extra Time )
We'd like to say,
On this awesome Friday.....
To Steph, Happy Birthday. ( perfect rhyme..excellent )
Steph Lee's Thank You List
- MOM - is this the largest font ??? I LOVE MY MOM !!! SHE'S THE BEST MOM EVER ! SUPPORTIVE, DYNAMIC, LOVING, CARING, FUN,SARCASTIC - haha I had to put this in ! where d' ya think I get my sense of humour -, CREATIVE, ORGANIZED, GORGEOUS, and ABSOLUTELY FABULISTIC !!! Mom, you're the coolest mom ever, you give me anything and everything I need or desire in your power to give , the latter most of the time ! WITHOUT YOU, THERE"D BE NO ME... gosh, and that would be a sad sad world....
- My family. I know my friends are a great bunch of people, and I'm so lucky and don't think I deserve your friendships really, but honestly speaking, I think the people who've always pulled me out of trouble and stuck by my through thick and thin are my parents, my sis, my cousins ( HONG LUN I HEART YOUR T-SHIT, sorry SHIRT ), my late grandma, my Mom's darling siblings who are also my AUNTS..and my other set of extended relatives.
- GOD. IF the whole world abandoned me, You'll still be there for me, my Abba Father whom I hardly make time for...THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME shitless, even if I totally fucked up everything I did, YOU'd STILL LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY despite my vast stupidity,foolishness, naivety,plain bodohness, YOU"d still wouldn't condemn me and love me WHOLE HEARTEDLY which is something I'm just plain grateful for.Oh the power of cussies ! won't all you teenage people agree with my raging 18 yr old hormones which are just about to be taking over my sanity WAKAKAKAKAKAKKAKAKAKA...
- Everyone who came to my party and wished me Happy Birthday. Here's the exhausting list - just scroll down and look for your name la, tak payah busybody and kepoh lol..
- WMSers - ( In no particular order k, I don't play favourtism, I hate and love you all exactly the same! ) Zhuang Xiao, Alex, Jian Han, Jason Loh ( and gf !!! so cute you two ) , Cheng Lee, Xae Hoyy, Khai Wen ( and bf !!! ), Tarrant, Peak Sheng, Mary, Jason Chow, Hui Shan, Munnie,Rachel How, Sue Ching,Mel, Yiing Chyi,
- C.C.C people - Once again, no particular order...but admittedly I love some of you more, and you know who you are.. Jenn and Jo Lau, Ryan Chew, Christine Lim ( the 1st guests to arrive I LOVE YOU 4 !!! ), Pastor Micheal and Sis Siew Chin, Hai Yen, Emily Tang, William Mok, Wing Tsun, Agnes, Daniel Quah, Kumar, Daniel Lim, Cherie, Alyssa, Beatrice, Cheryl, Joel Yap, Annette and Matthew Chan, Desmond, Tommy, Josiah, Abigail.
- My BK FRIENDS !!! Ken Jon and Jon Mah
- MY ASS-TRO [sorry sorry, TYPO, Astro.. ;) ] soon to be workmates and already superbly tight friends Joel Lee and Shawn Liam
- The Jokers of the Evening...Khai Hoong and Jon Fam...adoi you two....
- My SBU muakxxies... Kim Loh, Peh Lin, Sze Min, Shin Yi
- All those who tried to make it but couldn't : Claire, Sam, Yi Zhen, Thomas, Rachel Janaki Raju,Ruki, Hui Wen, Zhi Wen, all my dance ( BOTH BALLET AND JAZZ, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT ??? THE PEOPLE WHO'VE SHARED MY PAIN, JOY, LAUGHTER, AND TEARS FOR NEARLY A YEAR...WHO MEAN SO MUCH TO ME...) classmates - party planner's oversight la.......Sharon !!! ...-, Chow Sook Yee, Jackie, Richmond, Asher, Sarah, Kim, Elsa, Yean Xin, Caryn, Kay Lee, Pui Yee,Rachel Heah, Denise Chuah, Andrew Chow, Connie, Jason Lim, Natalie, MY DARLING PRAYER SIS - Joanne Lee, Bahirah, Shaj, Manpreet, Janice, Mikella, Samantha fr church, Raymond fr church...
I'm awfully sorry if I missed out anyone...believe me, I didn't mean to do so ! Tried my best to remember who came...coz I didn't exactly draw up the guest list so...but thanks everyone, lova ya all...
I miss being 17 already. When I poured that champagne, and blew the candles, I glanced around, trying to remember every single detail, every single face, every single thing. Memories are all I have. I don't think I'll ever have such an awesome party again, perhaps, this is an 'if' clause. We'll all leave and go our seperate ways, travel and settle down in different countries around the world, I doubt I'll ever be able to gather the same bunch of friends under one roof ever again. For some of you, this might be the last time I ever get to see you.
I guess, what being 18 really means, is, farewell to 17. Like Hong Lun and Aemilia so aptly wrote, ' Welcome to Adulthood'.
PS : No one can say God's not fair.
My 1st day of 18yr-hood came with its fair share of challenges. One of the most self negative days I've had in awhile. Couldn't concentrate in classes, my pupils prob thought I totally sucked, cried while listening to one of my birthday presents, I didn't prac dance because of stupid stupid argh I don't want to say it,
But, Celeste smsed " Happy Birthday " to me. SILENCE. STUNNED.TOTAL HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY. And Tilla and Sze Ann msged me right after that. More birthday messages soon followed and it rained real bad the whole evening ,so now, there's that fresh, after rain scent which I just love. I couldn't go to the pasar malam and get my fav pancakes but I opened Jason C.'s chocs instead and had FOUR gorg ones all to myself. I got paid today despite all the shouting and threats and near death situations..Stupid Switchfoot concert's on today and I didn't go because...argh another stupidity of mine but anyway I went to KLCC anyway and met up with Jia Wei - happy b'day girlie ! , Theng Koon, Rachel How -AGAIN !!! - , Li Geok, and the stupid Clinton supporter Kenneth, which was way more fun than any stupid old rock concert would have been. Oh, but meeting them at Chilli's reminded me so much of Thomas..
I haven't got anyone to spend Valentine's Day this year with !!!! SHIT..I'm actually gonna be celebrating it alone...even my gf/bf's aren't here to celebrate it with me no more.. PEOPLE ! If you're celebrating it without that stupid over rated so called better half/special someone, COME FIND ME !!! But then again, I've lunch dates for next Tues and Wed...and meeting my darlings Jenn and Jo for lunch tomorrow too ! And so many CNY open house invites this year !...And the guy I'm currently eyeing..seems to be eyeing me too...His gorg smile..Oh Swooness..
Yea, no one can say God ain't fair.
happy birthday to me..............
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Having A Relationship. With my Dad.
http://across2u.com/Declareduntreatable.html. An article about Pastor Ray Johnson. He preached today at my church service, after an absence of nearly 2 years, and I'd like to dedicate this post to him.
I missed church twice this month I think, both times because of some very silly reasons. To console myself, I tried self-reasoning : ' Not going for service and listening to the sermon regularly doesn't make you less of a Christian, God understands, after all, it's basically entertainment if you look at it objectively - we sing a bunch of songs, some guy talks, we all laugh, we read a bit, sing some more, and leave -. And all that socializing is really tiring sometimes, I deserve a break '
But today, I made myself go. I just needed to go. I..I actually miss going to church in a way. I miss the spiritual discipline/fervor I used to have. All those 7.10 am chapel services at school before assembly, Wednesday C.F lunch meetings, Friday night CG meetings, and 8.45 am church services I used to attend ever so religiously. Not to mention HUGE camp, WMS CF camp, church camp, my prayer partners...
Apa yang telah berlaku ? And I made a New Year Resolution to start 2008 clean ! Be all ' Godly Girl ' and model Christian and all....fuck la, I fail noone but myself when I fail to fulfill my daily prayer commitment. It's not anyone's fault but mine. And I could only blame myself for being so behind in all those Bible readings I was SUPPOSED to have completed. Wtf, and I haven't even started school in full swing yet. Grrr...
Wallowing in self-doubt, anger, and misery, and trying very hard not to show it while sitting next to Jo and her darl bf ( I tell you, they're the cutest couple ever la, he wore green, she wore orange, and I wore purple..See how coordinated THEY are..and how uncoordinated I look sitting next to them..),
I really tried to distract myself from all those ' FFFFF ' guilt-piling thoughts and concentrate on the message. And Pastor Ray was preaching !!! He came back all the way to preach and he's such a swell guy - he's the portrait of an all American dude; his accent, skin, eyes, hair, build, etc.
And something he told us just snapped me out of my selfish tirade.
Christianity doesn't end with forgiveness. We were cleansed by the blood of Jesus, ( ya know, the dude who died for us, the totally humiliated one who was nailed on the cross ), our sins were forgiven because the Son of God died for us.
But it doesn't end there.
We were forgiven so that we could come home to the Father. The real purpose of the whole 'dying for our sins' part ? So that we could come to the Big Daddy's mansion up there, Heaven in other words.
'Forgiveness is not the goal, going home is.' - As quoted by Pastor Ray Johnson.
Please correct me if I'm wrong, but my train of thought goes like this ( I've simplified it somewhat, because I'm not one of those technical people who like using jargon ) ;
If Jesus didn't die for our sins, we'd still all be sinners and it would be impossible to us to be totally sin-free. Which would technically mean none of us could go to Heaven, because you would need to be sin-free to be in God's house.
So Jesus died to pay the wage of our sin which is death by the way, according to the Big Book ( Bible ). So, we're technically clean and sin-free. Which means we can go to Heaven to be with our Abba Father. Which means that Jesus died so that we can go home.
Faham ?
' Abba Father. So tender and precious these words, and God allows us to use it with Him. God allows us to call him Abba Father.. He's there to welcome you.......remember the story of the Prodigal Son ?.........Our Father's just so glad to see you and He wants to let you put your arms around him and crawl on His lap and hug Him........When my children call ' Daddy'.......it's the most beautiful sound to me '. - As quoted by Pastor Ray Johnson.
I'm so glad he spoke about the importance of having a relationship with God, our Abba Father. Going to church regularly shouldn't be my main goal, I should be focussing on getting closer to God, and trying to relate to Him as a Father. It's really hard for me to work on a relationship with God because I find it so hard to relate to a father-daughter relationship, since I've never really had a good one with my other dad.
But I'm trying.
And gonna try harder.
I mean..it's my old Man we're talking about ;)
'Forgiveness is not the goal, going home is '
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
1st Jazz Class of The Year
MY TEACHER'S LISTED ON THIS WEBSITE ! READ THIS TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE HISTORY OF JAZZ DANCE IN MALAYSIA ! EVERYONE ( in Malaysia's jazz scene ) SHOULD KNOW ALL THESE NAMES !
Ok, anyway, that's a nice introduction to my teacher, Celeste Theunissen. I wrote an essay about her and even made her a metaphor once upon a time, when I find that essay, I might post it up here. ( haha )
Okay, but this post is about my 1st and 2nd Jazz class of the year. And by the way, yes I got sworn at..dang...and lots and lots of bad bad comments/yellings/screamings/annoyed looks..and yes it was pretty horrible and yes I broke down..
But it was awesome to see her again and go for class and especially POST-class...Pre class is nerve wreaking, class can be a nightmare, post class is really the only thing I look forward to.
So, a post by post analysis of my performance in class last Mon and Tue. Celeste's comments are in blue ( Celestar Blue ) and mine are in orange, a happy, positive, colour ...
Sook Fun and I, during our Celestar Graduation...JAZZzzz..... those happy moments...
Jazz
- Warmup - RELAX YOUR HEAD & NECK, IT'S A BODY RIPPLE, BEND YOUR KNEES, GO RIGHT DOWN AND UP, DON"T BE SO STIFF,TOES OVER KNEE, TWIST YOUR SHOULDERS WHEN DOING THE QUAD STRETCH, Remember it's -AND- 1, breath!!!, and for goodness sake, sleep at least 7 hours before class...
- Plies - wider 2nd arms, it's a side bend, LIFT YOUR CHIN, why arn't you getting any better ?!!?, relax, 5th arms
- Tendu - CLOSE FRONT, TURN OUT, DON"T CRAMP YOUR TOES, WHY CAN"T YOU REMEMBER WHAT I TELL YOU ?!!!,
- Rond de jambe -EXPRESSION, EYES FOLLOW THE HANDS !, remember the reverse arms,
- Kicks - WHY IS YOUR BUTT HANGING OUT!!!, STRAIGHTEN YOUR SUPPORTING LEG, POINT, JAZZ STRUTS, she changed the counts, it's so much easier now, dang!..struggling for nothing, my off axis kick still looks like crap...
- Adagio - YOUR LEG ISN"T HIGH ENOUGH, WHY CAN"T YOU REMEMBER YOUR STEPS, HOLD ON THE POSE, LIE FLAT ON YOUR BACK, CLOSE YOUR LEGS, Try not to count..just relaxxx, expression,
Now we come to my 'fav', Aerobic Spatial exercises. Woo hoo...
My stupid Split Leaps which I've been practising as often as I can, turned out to be wrong. I practised them wrongly. Shoot....I was supposed to use my back leg to spring up and create the split ! Use the power of the back leg !!! And what was I doing ? Totally ignoring my back upper thigh !
Routine !!! HIP HOP !!! WHERE'S YOUR STYLE ???? #$*)#(*$#)($*#()$*#*$#)($*#
I wrote down most of her other comments already in my dance diary...some things are just too personal...Perhaps some of you think I'm obssessing about jazz right now, but seriously, dance is my life.
I'd never stop dancing, even if I get injured or become too old to dance - highly unlikely thanks to all you amazing future doctors and insurance agents and economists and accountants and public servants ( HAHA... ;P couldn't resist lol )
Dancing is the most amazing feeling in the world. It's an electric sensation we dancers LIVE and STRIVE for; when your muscles move in time with the music, and your head doesn't have to count the beat,remember steps, or figure out the technique, when there's absolute concentration in the movement, the beauty of dance shines through.
I seriously believe that one can only dance properly and express oneself with all freedom once technique has been mastered to the fullest extent and the body sharpened to the fittest condition possible. Technique is only the beginning, it doesn't dictate the inner dancer in you.
I actually set out to be a ballet dancer at first but perhaps I was being too narrow-minded. Dancers have to be versatile. But Ballet will always be my first love. People dance Ballet for themselves, not for the money, attention, or calories. Frankly, Ballet doesn't pay as much as it should, doesn't get enough appreciation as it could, and certainly does not BURN AS MANY CALORIES AS YOU THINK - therefore not all ballet dancers are slim - HA.
But Ballet is Internal. Jazz, on the other hand, is external. Jazz dancers seem to feed off from the crowd energy. Jazz is all about energy, excitement, style. Jazz dancers are paid A LOT better -I'm taking this from an actual survey !
I'm starting to really like Jazz. It's fun, albeit tiring, and extremely different. One has to have extreme energy and zeal to learn the proper type of Jazz, not the stupid hip hop cum funk cum cheerleader movements people in Malaysia like to pass off as jazz. Please, give it some credit. Jazz is technical as well, it's not just all about style and Pussycatdolls - I hate this stereotype people have of Jazz, a lot of you think it's all so easy but it's NOT. It's every bit as hard as Ballet.
Iniitally I took Jazz because of ( frankly, in all honesty..Celeste..if you've seen her, you'll know what I mean..) I wanted to learn something new, to improve in my Ballet, and most of all, to discover how to dance. I have to credit Jazz for building me up technically and helping me in my struggle with Ballet.
Along the way, I discovered what Ballet/Dance really meant; Passion. I tell you, it takes a LOT for a person to go to dance class, practise technique AND memorise steps, take exams, and get scolded and scolded by dance teachers. To me, dancers are the only people who need to strive so hard for PERFECTION - they need perfect bodies, perfect technique, perfect knowledge of steps, perfect expression, perfect work ethtics ( Dancers can't get pregnant, drink, take drugs, or smoke, it affects their dancing terribly. They also have to be able to work effectively within a time constraint, incredibly disciplined, hardworking, punctual, self motivated, creative, multi able, and trustworthy. See, doesn't this sound like the perfect employee ? )and a perfect mental attitude.
See ? It's not easy to be a real dancer.
So, why do I dance ?
I dance Ballet to please myself,
to satisfy the inner Aurora/Juliet/Kitri/Giselle in me,
to taste bits of the ' fine de kan chuaeh ( meaning the fine feeling, according to Zhou Lao Shi ) ' here and there,
to express myself in the hauntingly beautiful movements of the adages
to sparkle in the quick, sharp, lively movements of the feet in the petit allegro and batterie,
to fly and SOAR in the grand movements of the grand allegro jumps,
to touch in the solos,principal,and character roles.
There is nothing more beautiful than Ballet. I challenge you.
I dance Jazz to taste the excitement of the crowd,
to strengthen and improve myself as a dancer,
to release my pent up energy and emotions,
to thrill, to stun, to electrify, to shine,
to dazzle, to amaze, to entertain,
to satisfy my inner Diva.
There is nothing more exciting and entertaining than Jazz. I challenge you.
Gosh ! I feel so much better now ! Yay, wish me luck for my Jazz exam next Monday, everyone ! I haven't been blogging lately because I've been too stressed with work and dance. But thanks for reading this post. And I hope to have enlightened and given you insight into the MAJESTY of DANCE.
Whatever makes us happy.
My sis, aunt, uncle, darling cousin Tim, and I.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Hey people, you think I should join ???? Leave your comments here please....I'm a bit undecided..have been working on something for the past 4 days, I was awfully busy too which is why I didn't blog about anything - surprising kan? ;) Decided that catching up on sleep was more important.
SHOULD I SUBMIT MY WORK ???
Title :
Call for Submissions - Urban Odysseys: KL Stories *Deadline extended*
Venue :
MPH Bookstores Sdn Bhd
Date & Time :
DEADLINE: Thu 31 Jan 2008
Email :
mphpublishing@mph.com.my
Synopsis :
MPH Group Publishing are calling out for submissions of short fiction and creative non-fiction for an anthology tentatively entitled "Urban Odysseys: KL Stories". The aim is to publish the anthology in 2008, depending on the number of submissions received.The theme of the anthology will focus on life in the city, specifically Kuala Lumpur, with writings that show images of the new juxtaposed against the old, urban living with contrasting bright lights and shadowy realities and other short fiction or creative non-fiction which best encapsulate the spirit of the national capital. This is not a travel book but an anthology of literary writings about the city.Stories must be original, between 3,000 and 5,000 words, and must not have been previously published.
They invite submissions from both emerging and established writers.
Hmm...
It sounds really interesting though...
Thanks in advance for all your feedback guys !
Monday, January 14, 2008
Occupying My Day While Waiting For Bedtime
Mattress baby cuddled me deeper and deeper, my blankets didn't help by wrapping me so tightly with their love and warmth. On the other side of my bed, my soft, candy-cottony fluffers begged to pillow and cushion my head/ass - they're interchangable and alike to all the occupents of my bed. I refused to slide out of bed and obey Mom aka P.A.C ( Personal Alarm Clock )
But I did, in the end, and this is a short summary of what I did to pass the time before I could go make love with my sheets again.
1) PDC. I so heart Zhou Lao Shi !!! He said so many enlightening things ( per usual ) and really really brings the whole philosophy of ballet in such a practical down to earth manner ; Be clean in your movement, position, and feelings.
" Classical Ballet is so easy, it's just 5th's,push,pull,turnout, and extension ! Move with the music ! "
No wonder Ms Ellie fell for him..I would too if he were 25 years younger and 25% better at English...I pity ballet students who've never gotten a chance to take class with this wonderful teacher. Granted, he doesn't really notice me most of the time, but today, he commented 3 times about me ! YAY !!! ~~~ yeah I'm a sucker for teacher's praises/comments..it shows I'm a part of the class, wanted and needed.
Right now, I need all the attention I can get, to take my mind off a LOT of headachy things.
2) Personal Dance Prac. - Did jazz - warmed up core by doing lots of twists, warmed up legs by doing lots of hamstring stretches, and practised mostly turns and jumps. Woo hoo ! I felt so light and actually paused up in the air ! Woo hoo !!!!!! My turns were more secure and controlled, my arms held..but I didn't think about my hips today, all that was in mind was : PELVIC FLOOR LIFT and SHOULDER RETRACTION... ( Pilates terms )
3) Read some very interesting articles in the newspaper and I will blog about my opinion about the Lingam case later..Oh, but please read this.
" Let somebody else do it seems to be the accepted notion. There is that popular story about the four people -- Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody goes.
Everybody thought Somebody would do it, Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Well, Somebody was very angry and upset because after all, it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody would not do it. So, Everybody blamed Somebody and Nobody asked Anybody! "
I got this from an article in the NST today by K. P. WARAN: Let's not live with a sea of rubbish. The article is bril. Funny, memorable, and something we can all totally relate to. GO READ GO READ GO READ......
4) Taught class at Kelly's. The kids are a joyous burden. You totally rock Kelly, my no 1 supporter !!!
5) ADVANCE BIRTHDAY LUNCH !!! Woo hoo !!!! Yayzers...muakxx muakxx muakxx donnedd@hotmail.com...
6) The mere fact that I'm alive and have such a great God who looks after me, fab Mom who takes care of all my earthly needs, darling sis and many many dear friends who care and listen and support, a passion for dance which helps me to stay focused..
7) I've just discovered text colour. Yay Peako, I can rival you now ! Woo hoo !!!!!
8) This guy at the gym thinks I'm fit enough to join some Contender contest for gym bunnies/worshipers..: HAHAHAHAHAHA, first of all, ME, FIT ? * looks at her lumps of fat and prodding stomach and rolls eyes, moving them on to her massive thighs and arms next, then shakes her head sorely *
Gila. Even if I was super muscular and have not even an inch of fat on my body, why I would want to join that insane competition to show off my physical abilites ? I'd be showcasing my physical limitations rather...and a lot of skin..and obviously, a lot fo flab as well.
But it was a really sweet compliment...I kinda have a semi crush on him now..which will wear out by tomorrow - which is now already today because it's past 12 midnight already.
I can't stop thinking bout you...
~ Thanks, Aunty Sylvia and Cheng Lee for being so nice to me at Life Chapel, though I was probably a bore and a chore to entertain.. ;)
BACK TO MY BED !!!!!!!!!!
We're gonna make beautiful music all night..till 5.45 am because I've to get up for work.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
You broke my heart once, twice, and now the for third time, you AGAIN shatter the fragile thing I took months to plaster painfully togehter.
WHAT'S YOUR FRIGGING PROBLEM ?
' Why do all good things come to an end ? Flames to dust, lovers to friends '. - All Good Things, Nelly Furtado's.
' Goodbye to you, goodbye to everything I knew, you were the one I love, the one thing that I tried to hold to ' - Goodbye To You, by Michelle Branch
I need silence. I have to stop the music, I can't hear my voice in all this noise. Their lyrics are theirs and they don't quite mirror my own feelings. I can't seem to find a song that plays the same strings that are pulling my heart apart.
Damn it, I want a song that sings everything I feel exactly, every precise tug and slice, and every exact hurt that's acting on my insides now. Damn it damn it damn it, I can't find the words to say exactly how I feel.
How do I describe the numb, dead, pulse of my heart when we parted ways ?
How do I describe my awkwardness to bid farewell and best wishes and explain that miserable attempt at saying goodbye ? Or the mortification I felt after replaying and replaying those hours we spent together ? And my fervent wish to erase everything and go back in time and redo the string of events that had just occured ? And my regret at my actions and their intentions ?
' It's really good to hear your voice, saying my name, it sounds so sweet, coming from the lips of an angel, it makes me weak....I guessed we never really moved on '
- Lips of An Angel, Hinder's.
I felt so so so numb. Your reluctancy to even look at me and your obvious repulse at my touch made me feel so small, stupid, and naive. I was stupid to have ever fallen for you.
But yet at the same time, your voice makes me flush with a childish redness, your gradual maturity gives me buds of hope, and your acknowledgement of my existence frankly...makes my pride soar with joy. Your happiness - it can be said as one of my highest priorities and your well being my constant concern.
These few moments we spent together I'd cherish forever. I hope we'll never ever meet again. Because I've never fully gotten over you, pathetic I know, but I think you'll understand ; when someone has claimed your heart, stolen your love, and challenged your soul ( and sanity perhaps ), you would always always long for him.
Blah, time ain't that great a doctor, it hasn't got sturdy bandages to wrap around my wounds or soothing salves/ointment to distract the pain of rejection and losing someone you love.
I need God to fill this emptiness and vast space you have dug once again in my heart. Take your spade somewhere else. Where there's more fertile and compatile soil and plants that'd bear the fruit you desire.
Don't come near me. Ever again. I won't allow it. I won't allow myself to be broken again. I know it's rather premature for me to say this right now, but at this point of time ( I might and hopefully will regret saying this in the future ), I find it impossible for me to fall in love ever again.
After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
After all this why
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
- Blind, by Lifehouse.
Father in Heaven, I seek Your Forgiveness and ask for Your Patience and Healing, please fill my soul again with Your love, and help me to mend this broken blood pump of mine.
Many will scoff at me for saying this, our priorities differ, I respect yours completely so give me the same respect won't you ?
My priorities lie with my God. Not with my boy. At least not for the time being.
Besides, God's so much more reliable.And He's not a heart breaker.
Friday, January 11, 2008
COMPETITION
Why does life always seem like such a competition all of a sudden ?
Mother K ( K for her name and also for KIASU ) came up to me and asked me about her daughter's progress in class. Actually, all she really wanted to know was whether her daughter had the potential to become a dancer, and if so, was she getting too fat ? Her concerns mainly centred around her daughter's size, eating habits, and physical activity, and they all could be summed up in a single questions ( which, incidentally, she kept repeating during our 40minute chat ), " Is my daughter too big ? I don't want her to get fat, otherwise she won't be the thinnest girl in your class "
I felt like screaming, or throwing something, stabbing a cow, butchering a horse or even just slamming the door and walking off in a huff would have made me feel loads better. Instead, I 'smiled ' a 'sympathetic' teacher type of smile, and just offered a very weak excuse for leaving [ and running away from her as far as I possibly can ]
WHAT THE HELL.
What's the deal with all this competition ? Give her a break ! Why does your daughter have to be so super thin for ? Why does she need to compete with the other girls for ? Why do you have to be so super kiasu with your daughter ? Blar lar k ( this is steph-speak for get lost )
You always want BIGGER discounts when you go shopping, BIGGER salaries, BIGGER houses, BIGGER cars, BIGGER, grander holidays, BIGGER numbers of A's on your child's report card, BIGGER portions of food even when you go out to eat.
So what the heck is wrong if your daughter grows up to become a little bit plumper, more womanly, and curvier ( ultimately sexier than you ha ! ) ? You know what's her problem ? It's actually not the daughter's size, it's really about the daughter's size being an advantage in this so-called competitive world of dance.
To me, dance is only competitive if you make it to be. What do all dancers compete for ? They don't compete against others. They compete against themselves. They want to be the best they possibly can, and it's their own personal achievement and goals. NOT everyone's dance goals are to be the next ABT prima ballerina. And certainly not the world' thinnest ballerina...
Why do we always have to be the best ? Do what you can, and do it to the best of your abilities.
But who am I to talk ? Here I am,busy trying to compete with older and more established bloggers who have better pictures, better style of writing, more interesting topics, more readers & commentors, richer boyfriends ( hell even the existance of one would make me a little envious, just a little ), more disciplined spiritual lives, etc.
- secret confession, yo, give me some respect for admitting your secret desires UPFRONT and some sympathy too for getting sucked up into e-popularity -
but I've come to realise ( thanks to a bitch slap from my sis )
that bloggers blog for themselves.
Who really cares about how your day was, what hurts you , who irritates you, your poems, the love of your life, honestly speaking, would anyone of you care if I don't get into a university of my choice or if I'm a total failure in ballet ?
Do YOU really care about other people or do you just read their blog for cheap entertainment - I mean cheap as in the price of online reading material compared to movie-ing, clubbing, drinking, NOT the quality of a blogger's post, no siree, I ain't offending no fellow blogger - ?
LIFE JUST GOES ON. THE SAME.
To all my silent readers out there, I think you're all gorgeous and simply lovely for taking the time to read about my life. And I'm really gonna try and make everything really readable, because I really wanna share my dance life and ( a bit of ) my personal life with you guys. But, I ain't bloggin to satisfy you.
I'm bloggin to satisfy myself.
I do what I can do best; write and dance. And I'm gonna keep doing my best.
Not to beat you and you and you,
But to beat myself.
~ I am my own worst enemy, Oscar Wilde. ~
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Details of Kay Elle that I ABSOLUTELY MUST REMEMBER
I should be in bed right now, I just said g'night to my mom, but somehow I can't sleep. Too many things running on my mind and I need to get her/them/It to shut up.
Procrastinate my sleepiness for a little while longer..
1) Summary of my day
6 am - Woke up at this ungodly hour to go to the GYM
Practised Ballet Adv, mainly because Celeste's gonna teach ballet next Mon
( PANICKING,,, )-
Ballet feels so good...my fondu's actually felt like fondue ! The melting quality was probably enabled after working on my abductors for 60 mins on the machines..Did
plies, tendus, glise, fondu, rond de jambe en lair - I got the 'kick' and extention, YAY ME !, rond de jambe jete - I totally dissected this now ! it's a swish to a small,low attitude,then throw towards the ear/side, then ROUND & extend, then point on the floor in perfect turn out. YES !!!, and petit battement with pirrouttes and balances
Must remember to engage the back muscles by pressing lightly on my shoulders and pulling the two lines down to connect with my hips too.
[ bear with me, darlings who don't take ballet, and take courage ( love this phrase ), will be moving on soon ]
Then I did pointe work. And people started to staring already. Okay, bad enough there's a girl wacking her legs all around and turning on one tippy toe toe, now she's putting on pre-arched torture foot binders made out of satin ( by the world's best pointe shoe maker, Gaynor Minden ! The best pointe shoes I've ever worn, all thanks to Lexa and the PDC girls ! )
Plus my pirrouttes on pointe are not that great, I was falling all over. WHY ? Because I wasn't holding my core properly and couldn't balance. I was scared and I lost concentration when all those people started staring at me. A BAD MALAYSIAN HABIT =(
NEED TO PRAC MORE TOMORROW ! I don't care, I'm just gonna turn and turn and turn and get my DOUBLE PIRR on POINTE !!!
Steph Lee : DO NOT BE AFRAID ! Remember Li Cun Xin - his book's fab btw. The exact position of the nose, arms, back, hips, thighs, knees, toes !!!
11.15am - Went for G's pilates class before work. She's awesome. Her voice is stil echoing in my mind I swear, " slide the ribcage down to the hips, fold the ribs, hug muscles to spine, keep the tail bone on the same line as the hip/pelvis, don't TILT it down, use your abs, we're focusing on the abs, feel the ribs, hips, zip up the pelvic floor to come up, etc "
I'm really lucky to have found such a good Pilates teacher. All dancers should do some sort of body conditioning in my opinion. Can't wait to go Boulder and check out the Pilates centres there - they have one of the BIGGEST PILATES CENTRES in US there ! Awesome...
oh gosh, my uni application's gonna be reviewed any minute now, it's there !!! keep your fingers, toes, and everything else crossed for me please
As usual, work is ...boring. I want to get a colummist job and get paid to write - that's the course I'm taking anyway - or work in Tower Records, all that music ! Can I intern with some company for 6 months before I leave ??? Please ??? Some one teach me how to...
Then I went for my driving lesson. Drove on the highway from 1U to Amcorp Mall and nearly died in the process. I need to practise - all that clutch, gear, brake, oil,... - Me cannot feel me feet no more...that caramel hazelnut latte from Coffee Bean did not help, I'm STICKING TO STARBUCKS FROM NOW ON !!!!!!!!!!
Got back home in my MOM"S CAR ( HOW ON EARTH CAN SHE DRIVE LIKE THAT EVERY DAY ?? )
gave the ticket - thank God I got rid of it,the more I see it, the more tempted I'd be to rip it apart, I listened to Linkin Park's What I've Done and I really feel like hitting myself, WHAT ON EARTH HAVE I DONE !!??? But at the same time, I feel this tremendous satisfaction and peace of mind. I know I did the right thing, giving up my Switchfoot tickets for you two is the best decision I've made this week and I know you'll enjoy it to the max, compared to this noob about Switchfoot girl -.
wrote emails and emails and emails, me and my EMAILS...and read this hilarious article in Cleo that I absolutely agree with
and now..I've forgotten what I wanted to post about...
Ah...my uni applications...
" It's too late to apologize " - Apologize, Timberland
" Love me, Choose Me,..." - Meredith Grey, from Grey's Anatomy
